


Make Me The Punchline

by A_Heart_Worth_Breaking



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Its name is Patrice, Liam has a giant stuffed panda, M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Valentine's Day, because why not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 10:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16324136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Heart_Worth_Breaking/pseuds/A_Heart_Worth_Breaking
Summary: It's almost Valentine's Day, and all Liam wants to do is enjoy the chocolate sales. Theo has other plans.Or, the one where there's a somewhat half-assed prank war, and Liam isn't as smart as he thinks he is.-One minute he's sitting in history class, the next he's having Patrice placed on his desk. He's going to kill Theo. After he humiliates him and wins, of course.And there's even a note attached. Happy Valentine's Day, DunbearIt's a pun. It's a fucking pun, Liam hates puns.(Liam hates puns as much as he hates Theo, which is really not at all. He actually really likes puns.)





	Make Me The Punchline

**Author's Note:**

> I finally had the nerve to post my second fic! It would've been out sooner but, well, turns out titles are harder than I first thought. I'm already questioning the one I've gone with but I just wanted to get this out there. It's here now, so there's that. I also don't know where this came from because it's October and Valentine's Day is in February but I hope everyone likes this nonetheless!

Liam has always been indifferent about the delivery service the high school did during the week of Valentine's Day. He doesn't really like Valentine's Day, doesn't see the point of having a day dedicated to doing nice things for your significant other when you can do nice things for them any day of the year. He does appreciate the discounts on chocolate, however, and uses that to his advantage every year. But his point is, he never really cared for the runners who would deliver gifts for all the couples at Beacon Hills High.

He has never cared, up until this year.

He doesn't see the point of having the delivery system run for a week when Valentine's is only for a day, but whatever. It's never mattered to Liam until someone decided to use it to ruin his life. He's not even exaggerating.

(Except he kind of is, but. That's not the point)

When second period biology rolls around on Monday, he's not really expecting anything. Maybe a card, because almost everyone gets cards on the first day of the week, and he gets a few of those, too. But it's the envelope he just can't get open that piques his curiosity. It's like someone's used super glue to seal it, honestly they probably have, and Liam is so done with it that he ends up just ripping it in half.

He was expecting a card. Instead, a shit load of _glitter_ explodes in his face.

“What the hell?” He exclaims, blinking as the class erupts into snickers around him. He can feel it all over his face, his clothes, it's probably even in his hair. This is the moment that Liam decides he hates the delivery system with a burning passion.

He knows it’s supposed to be anonymous, but he also knows that the office keeps a list of anyone who sends anything so recipients of gifts can send something back. And if Liam is totally intending to give whoever sent the glitter a taste of their own medicine, who can blame him?

People ignore the glitter, up until lunch. When Mason, Corey and Theo catch sight of him, he's met with three pairs of wide eyes. It takes them a moment to process it, and Liam waits with narrowed eyes. Finally, Theo bursts into peals of laughter and Mason and Corey both follow his lead.

“Liam, why are you covered in glitter?” Corey asks innocently, and Liam wants to kill him.

“ _Pink_ glitter,” Mason adds with a chuckle, causing Liam to switch his death stare to his best friend.

“I hate super glue,” he mumbles, causing Theo to laugh even harder. Everyone turns to stare at him, but he doesn't seem to notice.

“That's fucking hilarious. What're you gonna do about it?”

“Why would I tell you? You probably paid someone to do it,” Liam grumbles bitterly. Theo raises his eyebrows. He has really nice eyebrows. They're probably genetically enhanced, too. Liam hates him.

“Waste my money on those dumb deliveries? No thanks,” he says, then pops a chip in his mouth. Liam doesn't know where the food came from, he's so out of it from being _assaulted_ earlier that day.

“Well, I'm getting revenge,” he decides, nodding. “Yeah, they're not even gonna know what hit them.”

Liam's plan is good in theory. He didn't exactly have many resources available to him, since he's still at school, but he's totally made it work. He bought one of those gross pink heart shaped envelopes from the office and a packet of mayonnaise from the cafeteria. The lady gave him a weird look, but it's all good as long as Liam gets his revenge.

The only thing is, he has no idea who it's going to, and he can't be sure that they'll be in his next class. He tells Mason, Corey, Theo and even Nolan to watch out for anyone getting a heart shaped envelope. Theo gestures at everybody around them and rolls his eyes. Liam gestures at him with his middle finger and tells him to fuck off.

He also tells them to keep an eye out for anyone smelling like mayonnaise, which has their eyebrows shooting up into their hairline and Liam trying to convince himself he's not as crazy as they think he is. Liam is starting to feel like the punchline of a ~~admittedly clever~~ terrible joke.

“What do you _mean,_ no one smelt like mayonnaise?” Liam demands, scowling at the two chimeras standing in front of him. They simply shrug at him and continue to wear their matching smirks. Liam hates them.

“And no one got any envelopes?”

“Oh, plenty of people,” Theo says offhandedly. “In fact, I think all of them were pink and at least 90 percent were heart shaped, so-"

Liam punches him, and Theo's nose is also pink for the rest of the day.

* * *

 “I hate Valentine's Day,” Liam says sincerely as he attempts to pick glitter out of his hair. Theo snorts from where he's sprawled across Liam’s bed. Even though he has a perfectly good one right across the hall. Not that Liam wants to kick him out.

“Valentine's isn't even til Thursday. Which means you've got the rest of the week to mope, yet.”

“Shut up, Theo.” There’s no heat behind the words, though. “Help me think up a way to get revenge."

“Technically, you already got revenge,” the older boy points out, but he puts his book down nonetheless. Nerd. “Get something really embarrassing. Like, a giant soft toy.” He points to the giant panda perched precariously on the edge of the bed.

“It was a gift! Stop making fun of Patrice.”

“You named it Patrice.”

“No, I named _her_ Patrice.” Their eyes lock in a silent competition, and neither of them break it for a solid few minutes. Then Theo picks up his book again and shrugs. “Buy them a shit ton of flowers, or something. I don't know. Or a lot of chocolate, give them food poisoning.”

“Imagine how inconvenient it would be to carry them all around. And some flowers have thorns!” Liam exclaims in glee. “Theo, you're a genius.”

“I'm slightly terrified,” the other boy comments. “Also, I'm quoting you on that last part.” Liam doesn't care that he's giving Theo false hope (him having the best grades in their year didn't mean anything), because he's got an idea and he intends on finding this person and torturing them if it's the last thing he does.

(But he really, really hopes it's not. Who would look after Patrice if he wasn't there?)

If his bed smells faintly of mayonnaise that night, Liam doesn't notice.

* * *

 “Are you _fucking kidding me_?”

Liam is done. Officially. If anyone wants to find him, he'll be hibernating in his room with a lot of food and his history books.

Why is Liam done? Because whoever it is that received Liam's fifty roses and sent him the exploding glitter has _sent the roses to the entire senior class._ Liam _still_ doesn't know who it is, they didn't suffer by carrying fifty roses and getting pricked by thorns all day, _and_ they turned his petty revenge into something genuinely nice!

“I think it's actually pretty cool,” Corey comments. “I think pretty much everyone got something today.”

“I'm the one who bought them, so it's technically me who's being nice,” Liam says stubbornly, and Corey gives him an amused smile.

“Okay, Liam.” It's at this moment that someone taps on Liam's shoulder, and he practically snarls at the girl standing behind him. She drops the box on his desk and practically runs away from their table. Liam peers inside and gapes. There's at least six boxes of chocolate in there. “Holy shit.”

“That is a _lot_ of chocolate,” Corey observes. Liam stares at him and wonders if he has to point out every obvious detail.

“No kidding, ge-" Liam pauses when another student in front of their table, holding another box. “No.”

“Yes?” The guy says as he puts the box full of _even more chocolates_ in front of Liam, who narrows his eyes.

“I have to carry this around all day?”

“I'll carry one box if I can have-"

“No,” Liam says immediately. Who cares if it was inconvenient, he was going to eat all this chocolate and he was going to _enjoy_ it.

“Yo Dunbar, care to share?” Liam ignores the boy who calls out as he walks past, clutching the boxes tighter. He's on his way to the parking lot, and he is so _sick_ of people asking him for chocolate. It's his, he fully intends on eating it all himself.

He's gotten another two boxes and he's just ready to go home and pig out, honestly. And he's glad he'll be able to put all the boxes in the backseat of Theo's truck and be free of carrying them for a while.

His phone buzzes and Liam wants to throw it across the lot and watch it get run over a few times when he reads the text.

_Went home early. You're gonna have to walk_

Has Liam mentioned how much he hates Theo? Because it's a lot. A _lot._

* * *

 “I hate you,” Liam says as he walks into his room, dropping the boxes on his bed and collapsing on the floor. “Why are you even in my room?” He can’t see him, but he can hear him doing _something_ in his closet.

“Looking for my hoodie. You always steal my clothes, so I figure it's in here somewhere,” Theo says from where he's rifling through Liam's closet.

“Well, your revenge plan didn't work,” Liam tells him as he tears open a box of chocolates and pops two into his mouth. Liam hears Theo pause his infiltration of Liam’s closet and he pokes his head out a moment later.

“You mean the flowers idea?”

“Yeah,” Liam continues. “Why did they have to give them out? It's supposed to be revenge not them being _nice_ to people.”

“You realize you could have given away some of your chocolates, right?” Theo then picks up a pack of chocolates out of one of the boxes (he totally doesn't stare at the way the older boy's arm flexes. _Totally_ doesn't) and Liam thinks he's a hypocrite. The former places one in his mouth and takes a seat on the bed, a thoughtful expression on his face.

“And let others have my chocolate? No. I could be giving it away to the person who sent it to me in the first place!” Theo snorts at that, but doesn't say anything. “Anyway, I'm definitely going to win this war. They may have won the battle but! I've got a plan.”

“Is that plan no plan? Because it seems like you've got no idea what you're doing.”

“Shut up, Theo.” Liam is just trying to go about his business and mope and eat his chocolates and Theo is eating them and bringing him down. Liam doesn't think his day can get any worse when suddenly something appears in the corner of his eye and he hears an ungodly screech leave his mouth.

“Oh my god oh my god oh my god!”

Theo is just sitting there, eating Liam's chocolates with one eyebrow raised. “You alright there?”

“No!” Liam screams at him as he leaps off of the floor. “Look at it!” He points to the monstrosity that is currently _crawling towards him_ at what Liam thinks must be top speed and jumps up onto the bed. He's so scared that his right foot, no- _left_ foot, Liam knows his directions-hits Theo's stomach and sends them both toppling over. Liam hears Theo hiss and he thinks that he almost deserves it, but then he sees that his knee connected with the latter's crotch and he winces.

“Shit! Are you okay? Are-oh my god, where's it gone?” And then Liam is panicking again, searching frantically and Theo is still groaning in pain and he _can't_ be incapacitated because Liam fully intends to use him to get rid of the horror under his bed.

“Is _what_ gone?” Liam can actually hear the annoyance in Theo's voice. He doesn't understand what Liam is going through. He's traumatized, really.

“The _spider!_ ” Liam practically screams. He swears Theo actually dies from fear, but turns out he's just frozen and processing the horrifying information. Then he says:

“Why the fuck am I friends with you?” And Liam knows he's back to normal. He also feels something warm in his chest at Theo calling him a friend. Something warm, but also something burning in his gut that he decides he definitely wants to ignore.

“Can you move the spider?” Liam's not yelling anymore; the opposite actually. His voice is so quiet that he's surprised Theo can hear him, except not really because he's a chimera and his hearing is almost better than Liam’s.

Theo doesn't say a word as he rolls off of the bed, picks up the spider and walks out of the room. It's moments like these that he thinks he doesn't really hate Theo, not at all.

* * *

 Liam really, really hates Theo. Why? Because when Liam opens the envelope the next day, Theo _laughs_ when the giant spider crawls out of it and scuttles up the formers arm. Liam lets out an embarrassing scream that literally _everyone_ in the school hears, probably, because most of them are in the cafeteria and Liam decided that opening it in the cafeteria would be a good idea, so he wouldn't have to rush out of class if it was something terrible. But _no,_ Liam not only hates Theo but also himself for making that dumb decision and Theo isn't helping by laughing at him. At least Mason and Corey look sympathetic.

“The envelope has air holes,” Corey points out. “That's so extra.”

“Would you rather a dead spider fall out of it?” Theo's eyebrows arch and Mason grins.

“ _Intense._ ” Then his eyes shift to Liam and they widen. Liam would find it funny if his gaze wasn't directed at him.

“What?” He asks, completely oblivious. Theo glances up at him, then chokes on his water when he glimpses Liam's face. “What?!”

“You-uh…” Corey trails off as something obscures Liam’s line of vision. He reaches up to brush whatever it is away and freezes when he feels it _move_.

“ _FUCK_ !” His voice is far too high pitched but he really doesn't care because while he was so caught up in the conversation, he missed the spider climbing _onto his face._ “Get it off get it off get it-"

“Calm down, Dunbar,” Theo says, reaching across the table and lifting the spider from his face. His hand lingers for a moment longer and Liam thinks they're having a moment, but then Theo dangles the spider in front of his face and Liam definitely hates him.

He only realizes during last period that he's completely forgotten about his own gift and he's right back to hating himself again.

* * *

 The next day, Liam finds out who it is and he is _pissed._ He's not even surprised, really, and _of course_ he waited til Valentine's Day to reveal his identity.

One minute he's sitting in history class, the next he's having _Patrice_ placed on his desk. He's going to kill Theo. After he humiliates him and wins, of course.

And there's even a note attached. _Happy Valentine's Day, Dunbear_

It's a pun. Its a fucking _pun,_ Liam hates puns.

(Liam hates puns as much as he hates Theo, which is really not at all. He actually really likes puns.)

A girl passing by smiles knowingly at Liam and he wants to scream at her.

Mason reads it over his shoulder and starts laughing, much to Liam’s annoyance. “So you finally know?”

Liam is _appalled._ He needs new friends. “You mean you _knew_?”

“Of course I did. Did you think he got all those flowers to the office by himself?”

“He didn't even do that to be nice, did he? He just knew it would piss me off, the asshat.”

“Dude, it's _Theo._ Are you really that shocked?”

“No. But he brought Patrice into it, so it's getting serious.”

“Did you even have anything for today?” And yes, Liam has an _idea_ but he’s sure that Theo won't actually eat the mint Liam had placed in an envelope. But…

“Yes! Mason you're a genius!” Liam tells him and opens the bottle he's got tucked in his pocket. “Time for some great revenge.”

“Chocolate?” It was hard, but Liam had managed to wait until after school to commit his prank. He knows the point is to embarrass Theo _at_ school, but this is an opportunity he can't pass up.

“I thought you didn't like people eating your food,” Theo says suspiciously, eyeing the box Liam is holding in his direction. Liam realizes that it _is_ incredibly out of character for him so he hugs it close to his chest.

“I'm kidding. You're never getting this chocolate. It's like my baby, my-" Liam is caught off guard when Theo lunges at him, and he falls back on the bed, dropping the chocolate box in the process. Theo props himself up on his elbow and smirks at Liam as he picks up a chocolate from the discarded box, popping it in his mouth.

“You were saying?” He can feel Theo's warm, chocolatey breath on his face and now Liam really wants chocolate but he can't take one from _that_ box so he waits.

“How petty are you, you-"

“Liam, we've been sending each other shitty Valentine's gifts for almost a week, I think we're past the point of pettiness.”

“Shitty gifts indeed,” Liam says gleefully as Theo downs another chocolate. He shoves Theo off him and ignores how he misses the warmth, because he's got a battle to win. “I'm just gonna go to the bathroom now. Because I have a feeling I won't be able to use it again for a while.”

He can hear Theo muttering questions under his breath as he leaves, and a wide smirk spreads across his face.

Liam stays in the bathroom for ten minutes, not even doing anything except for rejoicing how brilliant his plan is. He has _totally_ won today, and his victory becomes even sweeter when Theo starts banging on the bathroom door.

“Open the damn door, you fucking dumbass!”

“Theo! Language!” Liam really loves his mom, sometimes.

“I can't believe you put fucking _laxatives_ in the chocolate, you asshole.” Theo is speaking in a much lower tone this time, but Liam still hears it loud and clear and he places his hand on the door handle, but doesn't open it.

“Liam, come on. All I did was put a spider in an envelope, it's not my fault you're too dumb to-"

“I'll open it,” Liam begins, “if you admit I've won.”

“What? No-" Theo cuts himself off suddenly and Liam hears him swear under his breath. “Fine. You fucking win, okay?”

Liam pushes the door open and steps aside, grinning at how Theo shoves him out of the way and locks it behind him. “You win today, but I am _so_ getting you back tomorrow!”

Liam isn't even worried, he's so happy that he's actually got the one up on Theo for once.

Three hours and four glasses of water later, Liam realizes who really won this round.

(Hint: it's not him)

* * *

 Liam gets five deliveries on Friday, one for every class except for the last one. Which, conveniently, is his study period. Which means he has all that time to plot over how to get back at Theo.

He hasn't even been original. He’s just stolen Liam’s brilliant ideas and reused his old ones and Liam thinks it's not so much creative but rather _effective_ that Theo is going for and he honestly shouldn't be surprised because that's just how Theo is.

It works, too, and Liam is sufficiently annoyed by the end of the day.

Liam gets another glitter envelope (which he still gets annoyed with and rips open, so yes, he's covered in glitter again. This time it's green and red. He looks like a walking Christmas decoration), an envelope filled with barbecue sauce (which is a cheap knock off of his mayonnaise prank. Except that barbecue sauce is stickier, and runnier and it's all over Liam’s shirt whereas Theo barely even _smelt_ like mayonnaise), a pack of gummy worms which he _still eats_ , even though it should have been obvious Theo had put something in them (whatever it is makes Liam fall asleep. Which is especially convenient when he's just gone to the bathroom), fifty tulips and at least a _hundred_ packs of candy hearts, which Liam normally loves but he's just so done and he just _can't_ anymore. It's not even about being embarrassing anymore, Liam thinks Theo just wants him to suffer. So when sixth period finally rolls around, who can blame him for heading straight for Theo's AP biology class?

“A _hundred_ candy hearts? Are you fucking serious?”

Mrs Finch utters a half-hearted ‘ _language’,_ but Liam knows that she's curious as to what the hell is going on. Liam doesn't even know what the hell is going on. All he knows is that there is currently thirty students staring at the mess he is. He even sees a girl who he knows is another werewolf take an experimental sniff and he watches as her nose wrinkles in disgust. He knows he smells bad, thank you very much, barbecue and toilet water are never going to go together (yes, toilet water. Because when Liam passed out in the bathroom he woke up with his head half dunked in the bowl. Has he mentioned how much he hates Theo?).

“It was actually a hundred and one.” Liam storms over to his seat and jabs a finger in his face. He doesn't actually touch his face, though, because if Liam has to put up with his dickheadedness then he should at least be able to have something pretty to look at and Theo's face is, decidedly, very pretty.

But Liam is still angry.

“I have had a barbecue stain on my shirt for the whole day. I have had glitter in my hair for the whole day. I fell asleep in a fucking _toilet_ and I had to _give away_ the food! And don't even get me started on the tulips, why would you even buy tulips. How did you get the tulips into the school. How did you do anything without me knowing because I literally live _one room down from you, you piece of-_ "

“I'm sure glad you didn't drown while you were _in_ the toilet,” Theo comments, eyes glinting as he smirks at Liam. Or rather, Liam’s hair which is _still_ damp. The rest of the class has fallen dead silent, all watching the exchange between the two boys. Liam's eyes narrow and before he can stop himself his fist is flying and hits Theo square on the nose, prettiness be damned.

(He still looks pretty with a red nose, ~~thankfully~~ annoyingly)

Theo barely even flinches, the nerve of him. Someone behind them gasps, but no one actually moves to do anything about it. Liam is so angry but mostly at himself because he should hate Theo and he doesn't hate Theo, and his brain just needs to make up its damn mind before Liam does something he regrets and-

And then Liam is grabbing Theo's shirt and pulling him closer and he's _kissing_ him, and he's certain he's lost his mind. He's sure he's fucked everything up, but then Theo puts his hand on the back of Liam's neck and is actually returning the kiss and oh my god, this is happening.

Liam thinks they probably would've kept going if someone hadn't cleared their throat, and he steps away from Theo feeling sheepish.

“So, um…” Liam has no idea what to say. What are you even meant to say after that?

But then Theo is looking down at his shirt and trying to hide his grin and Liam feels like punching him again when he opens his mouth. “You got barbecue sauce on my shirt.”

And then Liam isn't weirded out or unsure of what to do, because it's exactly like it was before and he just does what he's best at: insulting Theo.

“I win. Dickhead.” And if he spends the rest of study period with a dopey grin on his face and Mason and Corey both staring at him in concern, that's perfectly okay with him.

* * *

 

A week later, Liam finds an envelope in his locker.

The glitter is blue this time.


End file.
